August 5 Weekly Update: Stop, Drop, and Roll
Bottom Line, Up Front
- Upcoming key dates or action items for families
- Stop, Drop, and Roll
- The best advice I got about how to handle the first night home after move-in
Dear parents and families of incoming students,
Has the summer sped by for you too? We are excited that it is getting closer for your students’ arrival! Here’s what you should know this week.
Upcoming key dates or action items for families
- We still have over 250 new students incorrectly upload (or not upload at all) their immunization documentation and health information forms. All new students must upload a PDF of their immunization documentation and input the dates of each immunization in the Immunization History form so that the immunizations can be added to your medical record and seen by healthcare providers during office visits. Even if your new student thinks they have done this correctly, we need ALL new students to log in to the Deacon Health Portal and check their Secure Messages for any errors. Students who have not uploaded all required immunization documentation run the risk of being told they cannot move into their residence hall or attend classes.
- Ensure your student has checked their student account in Workday for financial holds or unpaid balances and arrange payment if needed.
- Ensure your student has either enrolled in or completed a student waiver for our health insurance program by Sept 15. Note that students are automatically billed for the Student Health Insurance Plan but the charge can be waived if they submit a waiver form demonstrating comparable coverage
Stop, Drop, and Roll
One of the most difficult parts of having a student in college is when they have a problem or frustration, a decision to make, or a routine administrative task – it’s our nature as parents and loved ones to want to help.
When you live with your student at home and they have a problem or a challenging situation, you can at least see how they look and can gauge how stressed they are. At school, however, you get texts, or Instant Messages, or maybe a phone call or FaceTime. Those contacts can come at times when your student is upset about something – and it seems like that situation has taken on epic proportions. Now you’re stressed because your student is stressed!
Or maybe they contact you venting about having so many things to do: “I have a chem test coming up, and I have a cold, but I also have to talk to some office on campus to figure out how to get X accomplished. I don’t have time to deal with all this, grr!!!!”
In those moments, you might be tempted to help with your student’s issue, problem, decision, or routine task. You might think ‘maybe I can help my poor, overwhelmed Deac by calling the office in question and taking care of it myself!’ Please resist that urge.
Rather than jumping to action, we encourage you in these moments to use the Stop, Drop, and Roll method instead:
Stop…
and take a deep breath when your student contacts you with a problem, decision, frustration, or routine task they need to complete. Is it REALLY, something they cannot solve/do on their own? If you fix the problem or take care of the situation yourself, has your student really learned anything or developed self-reliance and independence? Will your intended action help your student learn how to juggle multiple priorities and take care of things? If you talk to the office about a frustration your student experienced, has your student developed any skills in delivering feedback, or made important personal connections with Wake staff?
Drop…
the urge to fix things yourself or provide detailed instructions on how your student should handle the situation. Instead, respond with questions: What do you think you might do? What are your options? What campus offices might have resources? What have you already tried? Who have you talked to about this already (your RA? adviser? etc.) Those kinds of questions can help prompt your Deac to figure out next steps (without you directing those next steps).
Roll…
with their solution! This is easy to say, but (at least for me!) hard to do. But let your student do the problem-solving and decision-making on their own, even if the solution is different from how you might have handled it (or if they decide to take no action at all). Working through difficult situations builds resilience and helps your students learn that they are capable and resourceful.
Some additional points to consider
The frantic phone call/text/FaceTime
Sometime within the first few weeks or months of school, your student may call you with a series of problems: a bad grade on a test, friend issues, general stress, an inconvenience, you name it. Often as soon as they have vented to you, they feel better – but you are left holding the bag of worry! A been-there-done-that Deac mom explained it this way:
“Quite often over the first year I would get the phone call with the download of everything that wasn’t going well, and the many frustrations. I tried to be a good listener and stay calm, suggested where he might look for help, and gave some advice, but after hanging up the phone I naturally took on all his stress and put it in one of my worry compartments.
I finally realized these calls were his way of venting, having a bad day, starting to get sick, relaying something he found unfair, etc. The humor in it all was when I would follow-up several days later and delicately ask how he was doing with situation X, person Y, professor Z, his response was most often What? Oh that, yeah, it’s fine, not a big deal. I then wised up and when I got those calls, I said a lot of That’s a bummer, Hmmm, Really?, I’m sorry, that sounds frustrating, etc.”
Of course if you believe there is a problem of grave concern – imminent safety or wellbeing, etc. – a parent or loved one might want to take a more active role.
Help that might not actually be helpful
Sometimes parents or family members want to contact administrative offices on behalf of their student, to get X or Y done for the student. We encourage you to let your student do all the legwork. Your student won’t learn how to navigate complex situations or build relationships with campus offices unless they do it themselves. Letting your student do the work builds muscle memory and experience to draw upon for the next time. One day long after their graduation from Wake, instead of a chem test and a cold and a silly administrative task to complete, your Deac might have a work deadline and a broken air conditioner and a sick child all at once. Having some experience in managing multiple things in college will equip your students to handle the adult challenges.
If you contact the Office of Family Engagement or Family Communications about a student problem and we encourage you to use the Stop, Drop, and Roll method, please know it is not that our offices are being uncaring or unhelpful. It’s that we believe your student has the ability to fix the problem on their own, and/or would be building needed self-reliance skills by figuring it out. Developing self-sufficiency, learning to navigate organizations, and determining solutions are more beneficial to your student in the long run than being handed a short term solution from mom, dad, or a family member.
The best advice I got about how to handle the first night home after move-in
For background: my husband and I just have one child, a ’27 at NC State in Raleigh. Also, I am an anxious person and an easy crier 🙂 Despite the fact that I’ve had a 26+ year career working with parents and families and my doctoral work was about college parents/families, when it was MY turn to let MY baby go, it hit different.
When we moved in our beloved child for marching band camp, I did OK until the last 30 minutes, and then I just started oozing big, silent tears. I did not want to upset my ’27 so I tried to look calm. Thankfully my ‘27 knows I am an easy crier. We hugged and said I love you and parted.
I **ugly cried** when my husband and I left campus and cried much of the drive home. I was surprised to find myself filled with unexpected panic that our ’27 wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t done enough to prepare them, that they would need things and not know how to do them without me. Imagined every Worst Case Scenario. My husband kept reassuring me that our kiddo was ready and was going to be fine.
On our first night home without them, we followed the best advice that a wise, dear friend (who is also the mom of an only child) gave me: plan something really fun to do that evening. We ended up going out to dinner at The Porch [highly recommended when you are in town if you like casual Tex Mex] with 3 other couples (2 of whom had older kids in college and understood what we were going through). We ate chips and the best queso in town and drank margaritas and talked and laughed and cried and commiserated.
By the end of the evening, I felt happy, and when I got home, I wasn’t dwelling on the empty nest, I was thinking about how lovely it was to share an evening with friends who understood, had been there too, and their reassurances buoyed me.
I cannot recommend this approach strongly enough!
So plan something fun for you when you return home. If you have younger kids, let them come too. But do something so you aren’t just in your own head.
Parting thoughts
We will continue sending messages to our new families through August 21st with reminders of key action items and other information we hope will be helpful. In case you missed one of our weekly messages, they are all archived here.
With best wishes,
Betsy Chapman, Ph.D. (‘92, MA ‘94)
Executive Director of Family Communications